A couple’s sex life can be a challenge, or rather, it is a challenge in the vast majority of cases. Especially after the honeymoon phase is over, when you start noticing your partner’s nose hair, when their snoring starts to annoy you, or the fact that they leave their socks and underwear lying around goodness knows where. If you didn’t see these things before, now you not only see them, but they bother you so much visually that you become like a bull in the ring, seeing a small sock like the red muleta that the matador waves incessantly in front of the bull. The partner, who—let’s be honest—is no longer as attentive to the woman he chose, begins to feel attacked at every turn by the partner’s horns.
And so, step by step, each person becomes increasingly frustrated, disappointed, unheard, unseen, misunderstood, and angrier, slowly drifting apart because the "crap" in the middle of the house starts to smell worse and worse, leading each one to retreat to their own sofa or bed, with their own TV and remote... or sex toy. Don't get me wrong, I have known and continue to know couples who have not only heroically endured over time, but who, beyond the problems, still enjoy beautiful moments together, intimacy, and a regular sex life. And a satisfying one at that, or I might say, an increasingly satisfying one. And this is not because they have aged or grown accustomed to each other, but because they knew how to communicate, to verbally express their disappointments, needs, shame, helplessness, fears, and desires, and to set boundaries in a healthy way. And when they didn't know how, they asked for help. And another very important thing! The fact that both wanted to resolve things means paying attention to the partner, to the relationship, to the inner self—that part of you that asks the question: "What can I do to become better for myself and for my partner?" In a relationship, there are always TWO... or at least TWO, to have a little laugh, which means we work together for the relationship and individually for ourselves... so, all with the goal of repairing, healing, building, and creating intimacy, to increase the level of intimacy in the couple. The higher the level of intimacy in the couple, the more intense and satisfying the sex life. Unfortunately, in many couples, the fight between egos prevails, each with sword in hand... which reminds me of my favorite childhood book, Alice in Wonderland, and the Queen who repeatedly said, "Off with his head!" And so, instead of being vulnerable and taking off the bags of fear, inadequacy, and jealousy from our shoulders, we fight with them on our backs. Do you want a satisfying sex life like in the honeymoon phase? Simple. How do you keep a fire going? By adding wood to it. Where do you get the wood? From the forest or you buy it. That means you either go there, chop wood, carry it, store it, or you pay for it, in which case you still have to work... in conclusion, maintaining the fire requires work. So let’s not be surprised when winter comes and you are cold. A fulfilled sex life in a couple means awareness, attention to the relationship, vulnerability, empathy, it means disappointments, constant processes of repairing the relationship, it means a healing space, it means continuous exploration, because over time we all change, our needs change, external factors intervene—children, accidents, medical conditions, menopause, andropause—things that we need to manage together as a couple. Why not enjoy pleasure for as long as possible, why not learn to maximize our pleasure?
If you are a man and you have taken the time to read this article, thank you, and please take a little more time to complete this questionnaire. You do not need to provide your name or email address, and it will only take a few minutes. All I want is to have as clear a picture as possible of couples' sex lives.