Having the strength to look inside, to recognize, to accept, to release, to heal, and to express is an act of courage. I am not perfect, just as no one is perfect!
Introspection is a process that we need to engage in continuously, in order to become better—first and foremost for ourselves, and secondly to become better partners, better parents, better children, better friends... better people.
Because I was recently put in a situation where I had to do it, I did, I passed it on to HIM, and then I thought about posting it on the blog as well, so that it could serve as an example for those who need it. Because instead of blaming the other person, being disappointed in them, in their actions, in the way a relationship is unfolding, or being left with questions or the regret that you didn't express yourself... it is more constructive to look at yourself, at the lessons you have had or have yet to learn. What you do not learn, you tend to repeat in the future.
Why repeat it instead of moving on to a chapter in life where you are aware of your true capacity, your fears, your blocks, and the mechanisms that have held you back or are not beneficial to you?
In short, HIM appeared in my life a few years ago, at a moment in my life when I wasn't expecting it and didn't necessarily want to enter a relationship... but I did, suddenly and aggressively in terms of intensity, directly into each other's souls, even though he is 10 years younger than me.
I didn't feel the butterflies I usually felt when falling in love, but I felt a powerful flame in my chest, a new, very intense feeling, next to a man with whom I felt AT HOME from the very first moment... a flame that didn't go out for a single moment throughout our relationship.
I looked at him and saw myself, like in a mirror; we finished each other's sentences, we did things in similar ways, we had the same passions, desires; it was as if we had known each other for centuries, an incredible, inexplicable, mysterious, overwhelming feeling that gave me the sense that... ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
My entire being was filled with emotions I had never felt before, a magnetic, passionate connection that taught me what unconditional love means and for which I will always be grateful... a connection that opened my soul, that changed my perspective, that came with countless lessons, and that taught me to look deep within myself.
We never argued, and yet when we broke up, it was a sudden and aggressive breakup out of NOTHING, just like the beginning.
While we respected each other's decisions, many things remained unsaid.
That is precisely why I chose to do a much deeper introspection regarding our relationship and especially myself, even though we are no longer together and even though there was no such closeness between us after the breakup where we could be vulnerable and tell each other what we really felt.
With the required quotation marks, which I cannot seem to put in the text for technical reasons, below you can find this introspection that I also made known to him. I believe that we all need certain clarifications in life in order to step into the future with confidence, more easily and more gracefully.
What I know how to do best is to turn pain into power. It is a defense mechanism that I created for myself in order to be able to overcome certain moments in life. Starting from here, I created another one. (2)
To leave or to easily let someone leave my life when things get tough, even though in the relationship with you I learned what unconditional love means, I learned to love myself, I fell in love with myself, I learned to understand, to forgive, I strove to trust that you would give up certain vices, I did everything I could and as much as I could in those moments. Looking back now, I could have done more.
After you left the first time, I was afraid you would leave again... while I knew that I would not stop you, even though I loved you enormously and believed in the potential of our relationship more than anything.
Most of the time I didn't look at you as a man, but as a child, and I know that I created many frustrations in you and only succeeded in deepening some wounds in you.
I often refused your help because doing things by myself grants me validation, confidence, and security. (aspects that I completely lacked until age 39, having had a father and an ex-husband who supported me). I don't know how to receive, and it is an exercise I have been trying to do every day for a while now.
I always appreciated your help, but I also projected onto you the fact that you didn't want to do anything for yourself, just as I hadn't done for myself in the past. I saw my own sloth in you and it pushed my buttons to the max. I didn't like it, which is why I started doing, being persistent, putting everything into growing, into developing myself professionally.
I gave almost all my energy to my work and less to our relationship for the simple fact that I had the trust that you would somehow be there, that you would support me and that you would understand me... I realized then that what I was giving was not enough and that it was not fair.
At a moment in my life when all I wanted was stability and security, I didn't feel them coming from you on an energetic level, only physically... and I didn't feel safe.
At the same time, I didn't create a feeling of security for you either, by looking at you like a child. Somehow, what I was living with my daughter made me function on autopilot, and I associated her instability with yours to a certain extent, at certain moments... But, yes, I also learned that it is not what I want in my life and that I love reality... with its good parts and with all my demons that I have learned and continue to learn how to tame.
9. I am now very aware of the fact that I didn't look at you as a man, which is why I couldn't rely on you, even though all I ever wanted was to build something together.
10. I didn't know how to be gentle, because I have always been a warrior woman; I wasn't even gentle with myself, so how could I have been gentle with you?
11. I didn't have empathy for you, even though I felt in my body what was actually happening within you. And that scared me a lot, instead of making me understand you (referring to how I felt in our last months together), understand your fears, communicate, and reassure you that all I wanted was for you to be by my side. Instead of doing that, I was terrified and created a shield to protect myself, and I shifted my focus even more toward work...
This is what I found by looking inside myself these days... because you kept asking me the reason we met again today. I found it...
I don't feel guilty, because that was my capacity to do, to endure, and to perceive things back then... however, I am glad and I thank you for this encounter; it seems that all the intensity of what I felt led me to the point where I look at myself more carefully, because there are things I have realized and on which I need to work.
And I am glad that I have the strength to tell you these things, because I have never felt more stripped bare and liberated from so much... and in the end, you are the one who awakened everything that was most beautiful in me and who made me feel more than I had felt in 40 years...
End
Introspection, vulnerability, compassion, forgiveness, liberation, healing. Regardless of the path that we all, as souls, decide to follow in life, it is important to do so consciously and with clarity.