There is a lot that can be said about a couple's relationship, but not that it is easy. Some might say it is easy, but my personal experience, as well as approximately 15 years of working with people, says otherwise.
No, I do not want to disappoint you! Anything is possible when there is a desire from both sides! And not only that! It means patience, discipline, motivation, and step-by-step awareness, continuous exercise.
And more than that, the understanding that we are not all at the same level, we do not move at the same pace, we do not feel the same, we do not think the same, we do not perceive the same.
From fitness, I learned one thing: muscles grow when you increase the weights. If we extend this to life, you can consider the relationship to be a muscle. If you don’t train it, it will atrophy over time, instead of toning up and becoming beautiful, both seen from the inside and the outside. Because what many post on social media from vacations, parties, or simply from their own home, most of the time does not reflect reality at all.
In the end, the main question is this... do we truly want to repair, to reconnect, to learn to build, to learn to love, to learn to live differently?
Because the possibilities are limitless, and the changes that take place within ourselves over time leave room for curiosity, leave room for exploration and knowledge.
We don’t know how to ask ourselves questions; we don’t know what our true needs are, the true desires we want our partner to fulfill. And can they? And if they can't, what is there to be done?
What works for me as an individual, in the first place? What works for us as a couple?
One size does not have to fit all. And that is precisely the beauty, the rediscovery of the partner, the exploration and expansion of your emotional and sexual capacity! If your common goal is to overcome the monotony that has set into the couple, take it as a challenge; it can be a very beautiful process! Look at it as a game of deeper knowledge of your own being and your partner’s.
Love does not overcome everything; love transforms along with us. What holds a couple together is a common project, a common hobby, the desire for communication and to explore together, a common goal; love is ephemeral, and sexual life becomes monotonous over time.
If the relationship proceeds in the "correct" way imposed by society, or the "normal" way, where it is assumed that you HAVE to do certain things, that you have to have sex, it leaves you unsatisfied both physically and emotionally, implies an abuse of power, or is not consensual, it means you need to change something, not sacrifice yourself. Instead, if we express our sexuality openly, with courage, we will have sex in the right way, because it is authentic, it is the correct way for us ourselves.
Is there a step from monotony to passion? Not just one, you need to take many steps, but the first and most important step is to be honest with yourself.
And because I like to provide information that is as structured and concise as possible, I will list and describe the steps toward the ‘’passionate dance’’.
Awareness – who I am in the present moment, what my weaknesses and strengths are, what I can do, what I cannot, what I accept, and what I do not.
Communication with the partner, in a transparent way, with gentleness, love, and openness (flexibility in thinking, I don’t forget that we are different, we have different needs, we feel differently).
I do not deviate from my goal and ours as a couple, namely that of revitalizing our couple relationship.
Mutual respect is necessary to develop a sense of exploration and adventure, in offering and receiving pleasure, in finding ways to reconnect.
Setting rules, which are expressed, agreed upon, and adhered to. It is a way to ensure your emotional balance, to build an important foundation. If you follow the rules from the beginning, you will create the conditions necessary to be more flexible in the future.
Understanding that sexuality for each individual is sculpted by a whole series of forces, many of them operating entirely or almost entirely at an unconscious level. Being truly open and connected also involves emotional risks.
Empathy. When people explore new ways to discover sexual pleasures and new ways of communication or even expressing fantasies, unforeseen things can occur, repressed feelings can rise to the surface, sexual desires that must be satisfied here and now.
Expressing these desires or those suppressed for a long period of time can lead to feelings of vulnerability. If rules exist, all these conversations are much easier to manage.
Being honest when you talk about sex is essential.
If you are exploring together, it is necessary for both of you to be honest and gentle. If you are honest, you demonstrate that you are trustworthy, which will make the exploration very pleasant.
Rules to create sexual trust
I will be honest with you as much as I possibly can.
I will strive to express myself in as gentle a way as possible.
I will not make you feel ashamed for the fantasies you have, and I will never use them against you, even if difficult situations arise between us or if our relationship ends.
I will not try to draw you into sexual activities that do not correspond to your desires or that would make you feel uncomfortable.
I will always look to meet us halfway, even if your proposal seems strange to me.
Gentle expression must be permanent, even when things are not going well, being essential for maintaining a warm and loving climate, even when there are feelings of anger or upset.
Negative comments are not constructive, just like ‘’always’’ or ‘’never’’; they are toxic, avoid using them!
Express yourself in a way that denotes trust, so that the person you are interacting with can do what you are asking of them, rather than criticizing or judging or belittling that person.
Pay attention to the responses; it doesn't mean that if you have been gentle and have expressed in a nice manner what you had to express, you will receive what you want. Pay attention if the discussion slows down or stops abruptly, look at the body language. Sometimes, words can cause pain. Try to make the distinction between your intention and the impact it will have on that person. If you are in doubt, slow down and ask.
If emotions surface, sit with them, tell your partner what you are feeling, so that they are aware of what it triggers in you. Such things increase intimacy in the couple and strengthen the relationship.
Unpleasant discussions will always exist in any relationship, but that does not mean it is necessary to reach personal attacks. That is why the key to this whole process is gentleness.
Whether we like to believe it or not, healthy communication is fundamental in a couple's relationship, and in sexual life, even more so. This is the first step toward a passionate sexual life, in which you have the courage and confidence to explore continuously.
What are the methods of exploration and reconnection?
The methods are the ones that work for you! To discover what works for you, it is necessary to try different techniques.
Exploring sexual fantasies is a good way of reconnecting and deepening true sexual desires and needs.
Using sex toys as a couple is a method of conscious exploration of your bodies. Adult toys are increasingly sophisticated, have a very attractive design, as well as a great variety of shapes, sizes, many types of vibrations and intensities, through which you can thus discover new sensations.
Masturbation as a couple requires courage and trust in yourself, but once this step is taken, it will become easier and easier, and the intimate act, more and more intense.
Exploring non-sexual touches. The goal is not to have a sexual act, but to reconnect emotionally, to explore eye contact, the sense of smell, touches; it is a game of the senses, a moment of tenderness, love, appreciation, gratitude, and love.
Couple training. For those who like sports, a workout for two can be a real technique for activating the senses. Certain exercises can be executed as a couple; the various positions for executing exercises can highlight certain parts of your bodies, which will represent a visual excitant for the partner. All you need to do is be creative.
Connection with nature. Walks in nature, mountain climbing, bike rides can turn into moments of reconnection, can fill you with peace, quiet, love, and gratitude.
Couple therapy. It is an extraordinary way to discover and eliminate certain existing blocks, it offers solutions that work for you as a couple, opens new perspectives, and helps in expanding your capacity at an individual level and thus, at a couple level.
Couple massage. For those who have not tried such a massage, I recommend that you do so, to exchange impressions, to let yourselves feel, to become aware of what exactly it awakens in you.